“Low maintenance” friendships are just women who don’t want to show up

You have pretty Instagram posts together but no presence, why? Because your “bestie” is just collecting data…

You were sold a lie that “low maintenance” female friendships are the standard. That real friends don’t need to talk every day, don’t take things personally, don’t ask for effort. That the highest version of female bonding is silence, distance, and maybe just maybe a like on your birthday post.

That’s rotten mould. That’s neglect rebranded as maturity. That’s passive abandonment and laziness dressed as emotional intelligence.

Because here’s what’s really happened to you both:

The aesthetic of female friendship replaced the function of it.

Now it’s brunch once a quarter, insta tagging, coordinated outfits, “my girls” captions from women who haven’t had an unscheduled conversation in 18 months. It’s all signal play and no soul.

We’re not talking about friendship. We’re talking about content syndication.

I. “Low maintenance” is just code for unaccountable

Every woman who says “I’m low maintenance” to another woman (because understand that’s she would rather eat glass than even think of telling a romantic interest this) is telling you one thing:

I don’t want to be responsible for emotional effort. Not mine and definitely not yours.

She doesn’t mean “I’m busy 24/7 rn babe”

She means “I’m checked out unless it benefits me or you’re a man I’m interested in”

These friendships only function when the stakes are low, the lighting is good and nobody’s going through anything real. But the second one of you struggles to perform the cool girl archetype when you’re in grief, rage, financial stress or health crisis - the illusion cracks. Because you’ve built something vibe based not rooted.

And then suddenly it’s awkward… Suddenly she’s “busy” (she works 10 hours a week, lives at home in her childhood bedroom and makes time for her awful ex though). Suddenly your name disappears from her grid.

II. The surveillance state of the friendship

Modern friendships are not maintained through intimacy.

They’re managed through digital observation.

Friendship now is:

• Watching each other’s stories

• Clocking who viewed but didn’t like

• Noticing who never reposts you

• Tracking whose posts you always hype up while they never return the energy

Does that sound familiar?

We’re not “supporting each other silently”

We’re data collecting.

We’ve turned into entry level PR managers for our proximity.

We don’t say “I miss you”

We say “aw I saw your post”

We don’t ask “How are you?”

We conclude based on content and draw conclusions based on vibe, tone and who they’re with.

And if you do ask directly? You’re “too a monitoring spirit” “overthinking” “making it weird”

Because surveillance has replaced safety and visibility has replaced care.

III. Why they drop you when you get sharp

You know this already don’t you?

When you become more emotionally sovereign, more self-possessed, more visibly unfuckwithable they either randomly cling harder or vanish into thin air.

Because aesthetic female friendship isn’t built for women with boundaries.

It’s built for mirroring.

• If you glow, they glow.

• If you’re chaotic, they feel superior.

• If you elevate too far outside their emotional tax bracket, it destabilises the unspoken contract “Don’t you dare grow past me”

And so they drop off. Not with a bang. With a slow digital unfollowing. With that silence. With “sorry I’ve been so bad at messaging!!!” followed by never messaging.

And they expect YOU to be chill about it.

To not bring it up.

To not hold them accountable.

To not ruin the aesthetic exit.

IV. You can’t be low maintenance in a high pressure world

Being “low maintenance” is a fantasy that only works when your needs are minimal, your life is picture perfect and your standards are dead in the water.

But most of us aren’t there, or at least you shouldn’t.

If you’re managing a real career, trauma, grief, breakups, body changes, burnout, betrayal, ambition and the suffocating weight of being a woman who knows too much to play a dumb ass.

So say it with me now:

I’m not low maintenance.

Require deep presence.

Require utter honesty.

Require real fucking friendship.

And if that makes you difficult?

Then most women’s entire emotional infrastructure is built on not being expected to show up.

Aesthetic friendship is dead because it was never alive.

It was influencer branding. It was a buffer. It was a collective sick delusion.

You don’t need women who mirror your outfit.

You need women who mirror your clarity and self worth.

And most can’t handle that because they reserve it for a man who won’t reciprocate.

Because clarity demands a choice and a strong voice and they’ve built their whole personality on never having to choose and a fear of speaking.

Let them watch you from a distance. Let them mislabel you as “too much”.

Let them shrink back into weakness and ambiguity.

You’re not the problem.

You’re just the first one who stopped performing.